An interesting question in a letter to the 'Mail's problem-advisor Bel Mooney , ' Am I suffering because I was bad in a past life ?'
From a 62 year old lady whose life and relationships have been severely adversely affected by her Fathers despicable abuse of her from when she was two and a half to when she was fifteen .
Some do maintain that human suffering is karmic retribution for some unknowable sins that we must have committed , unknown to us now , in  previous incarnation/s .
My Mum believes in reincarnation and  karma but says it's not as simple as that , and that it's   not an 'exact science' .
I hope not because , surely , a 'law of karmic retribution' that puts someone on this earth to harm someone who may have harmed someone else as their unremembered former self , then , puts someone else here to harm that person in their next incarnation , etc . , etc . , is a f---ing obscene , cruel , f---ed up sick stratagem .
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Also in yesterday's 'Mail , an essay by thriller writer Tom Cain on  exactly how 'al quaeda' operatives quite  possibly could launch a successful , spectacular terror-attack on the UK , which I think is unhelpful , because , do we really want to give unsolicited , free tips to such people ?
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Something that would'nt have been on the itv programme and is unlikely to appear in the official dvd of friday's Mandela Birthday concert is when short clips of various 'celebrities' wishing Mandela well was shown , for some reason , many people impulsively  , loudly booed when Victoria Beckham's video message appeared . . 
The lady who compered much of the event , whose name I do'nt know but who has a great personality and sense of humour , 'tongue in cheek' condemned those who were so 'cruel' to Mrs Beckham , but seemed amused by it . . .
So , what is it about VB that instictively arouses such animosity ?
Is it simply jealousy of her marriage to the 'god-like' David - The third greatest human alive - ?
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Eddy Grant said ' They tell me I'm sixty years old - I do'nt believe it ! '

A solely occupied hotel room is lonelier than being at home alone , where at least there's home comforts , and any pets .
I get occasional messages here from a Miss Oganiwaka , or something similar , in Africa , professing undying love for me .

I knew nothing of razorlight , and they'll never be one of my favourite bands though they were fine and I applauded their singers reference to the " fraudulent election " in Zimbabwe .

I can't blame nearly 90 year old Nelson Mandela for not having spoken more strongly against the obscenities being allowed to continue in the name of mugabe's dementedly clinging  to power , but as Simple Mind's Jim Kerr said on friday morning , Everyone should speak out against the ongoing appalling attrocities there .
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Will Smith is certainly not shy is he , and it's impossible to not like him .
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In today's , I mean yesterday's 'Mail an updated version of the bayeux tapestry which includes the line : " Oh woe is me , ( prince ) Charles tells a tree , will no one take me seriously ?"
- brilliant . . .

I have a conspiracy theory  about Amy Winehouse , on tv from Glastonbury tonight , and who I saw at Hyde Park last night  :
Her huge beehive wig , which can be interchangeably worn front to back or back to front hides her siamese - twin's head . . . . 
Everybody loves Amy , from tiny tots to old grannies , quite simply , she is the people's pop-princess , our Nation's Sweetheart  . . .
Last night , first Nelson Mandela was one of the greatest people alive , then he was one of the greatest people to have ever  lived , then he was The  Greatest  Ever  . . .
So Amy is the second-greatest . .
Two people have remarked to me that she's had a 'bad press' , i.e that Newspapers have cruelly victimised her .
No , I'm sorry , but if someone in the 'public eye'  makes a spectacle of themselves by publicly being highly intoxicated upon whatever substances , and by being unable to coherently perform at performances that fans have bought  tickets for . . . .  
Last night and tonight she was in excellent form I thought , despite apparently having been raised from her sick-bed , and , tonight , rambling on about I'm not sure what between songs , and I did'nt see some incident which we may be hearing about tomorrow .
But , back to 'conspracy theories' : As her singing was coherent : Absolutely fine so far as I can tell , was she , tonight , between songs , cynically feigning intoxication and courting more controversy , because she and her record company know that does no harm , only good , to her popularity and record sales ?
Back to Nelson Mandela : I know of a man of 92 who regularly walks in and out of this town , but Nelson , having been kept in a dark cell with little room for exercise for nearly 27 years , because the white south-african apartheid regime knew that if they released him he'd  likely  lead a popular uprising against them , can have done no good for his long term physical fitness .
And his reconcilliatory instincts , as opposed to what would have been very understandable anger , set an example worth following .
And as S.A President he took the aids/hiv problem more seriously that did most or all of his fellow african leaders .
He cares deeply about Africa , and , we believe , the rest of humanity too .
True heroes are hard to find .
I wish Mandela a wonderful birthday , in about three weeks time , and , we hope , many more to come .
But is he really the 'greatest' human being alive ?
I do'nt know , but if he is'nt , I'd like to know who is .

On my way there I must have been walking around in circles for a couple of miles , from green park tube , which I thought is near hyde park , before hailing a taxi .
Leaving hyde park after the concert  I summoned up the courage to ask a lady who was walking unaccompanied if she was  there on her own too .
She's around my age and from Nottingham , and was visiting London alone .
We walked together and talked for about three minutes until I quite significantly stammered over one word , and not surprisingly she politely dismissed me by saying she was going to carry on walking in that direction , as I was , but I did'nt want her to think I was following her so I veered off to the left , over the road , past the U.S embassy , then I found a lively pub .
The doors to the toilets , downstairs , are part of fake bookshelves , and despite signs and arrows pointing to them on the floor , where I was sitting gents kept asking me " Is that the door to the toilet" , as if I were some voluntary unpaid toilet attendant .
I was wearing a ' Freetown University Sierra Leone Elementary Black College ' T-Shirt , and on the tube back to pimlico , after midnight , the young lady , with a sleeping baby girl in her arms , who sat opposite me told me her brother attended that college , and asked me where I got the t-shirt .
I told her I'd been to the concert , and she asked me what Mandela had said .
She was'nt remotely fazed by my stuttering over a word , and she seemed to like me , and to be sorry when I had to get off .
During the concert , when someone on the stage asked everyone to raise their hands and hold the hand of the person next to them the beautiful african young woman next to me held my hand .

So my one night excursion to London , to the Mandela birthday event was by no means a disaster , though for me no great success either , not that I expected it to be but it was an experience .
I did'nt like being alone , and okay I was'nt alone , amongst so many people , except undeniably I was .
Leona Lewis : What a flawlessly , soulfully , beautifully fine performance of her two greatest hits so far .
Nearly all of the music was excellent , some highlights including some of the African artists who's names I do'nt know , and Simple Minds , also Queen with Paul Rodgers of course , although I'd really had enough of standing up when they came on .
I realise that at such  events if you want to really be part of it and witness everything close up you have not only to get there early but also to have nothing to drink all evening : Otherwise , off to get a drink and/or to find the loo's  , and you'll be lucky to be able to painstakingly navigate and squeeze yourself back to where you were .
I missed , though heard the sugababes as I was getting a drink  , and I saw the show from three different vantage points , all close enough to be able say that I definitely have seen such people as Will Smith , Amy Winehouse , Annie Lennox , Stephen Fry , Joan Baez and of course Nelson Mandela himself 'in the flesh' , as well as on the screen . 
And Peter Gabriel , looking somewhat different from how I remember him from the only other time I attended an outdoor gig : 1978 Knebworth . 
I really should have remembered to take binoculars , and my camera .

Having watched a bit of wimbledon tennis this year , the first time for many years , I'm shocked by how large sections of the crowd  now do the jeering , sneering , slow-hand-clap thing every time a player questions a line-call , as they ( the competitors ) have the right to  , and sometimes the line call that went against them is proved to have been wrong .
It's as if  the , largely middle-class-english crowd there are somehow  trying to sanctimoniously say that  one must never question authority because it's frightfully un-english to do so , whereas it's they who are showing themselves up as the ungentlemanly and unladylike buffoons they so clearly  are .
Their doing that if a player throws a major, MacEnroe-esque tantrum is understandable , but their favourite 'participant-sport' of doing it  whilst spectating upon world-class tennis professionals , every time they , however politely , question a line call shames them .

I just watched the movie 1408 , £6.99 in the hmv sale  .
It's from a Stephen King novel , with does'nt bode well  because , apart from Carrie , and Misery , most screen adaptations of his work have been dire .
It stars John Cusack as a poor chap separated from his wife , because being with her reminds him too much of their young daughter who died .
He has no belief in the paranormal but writes books about 'haunted' hotels and motels , that he's researched and stayed in .
He recieves an anonymous postcard daring him to investigate room 1408 of New York's Dolphin Hotel .
Despite being strenuously warned against spending a night in it by the hotel  Manager played By Samuel L Jackson he gets his  way , and either the room is posessed by a malicious evil that deranges the minds of its inhabitants , or has Samuel Jackson plied him with hallucinogens . .  ?
Real or imagined his night there of course turns out to be far more terrifying than he could possibly have anticipated .
Then , 1hr 15 mins into it there's an interesting 'twist' that I  had'nt seen coming .
Then , nine minutes later  it gets weird and silly again .
Either it all brilliantly makes perfect sense if you think about it and I'm too dim to 'get it' , or it's a muddlesome mess that makes little if any sense .
It includes a few sudden shocks , which cannot be directorially difficult to achieve .
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Earlier I uploaded onto this my 'blog a short vid clip of my cat , rolling around on the carpet on Saturday morning with his organic cat-nip thing , but it would'nt play here so I deleted it .
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Well done to Her Majesty , instructed by the foreign office , for having belatedly stripped Mugabe of his honorary british knigthood or whatever it was .
The brilliant , legendary former jockey Lester Piggot , who has never been responsible for the death , beating or torture of anyone was swiftly stripped of his honour , some years ago , after being found guilty of tax-evasion  .
According to the ITN news that I watched earlier the death-toll in Zimbabwe from the recent violence committed by sadistic thugs acting for Mugabe is far higher than was previously estimated , and they are joyously revelling  in a wild orgy of sickening violence even against anyone unconnected with the opposition MDC party , who were forced to withdraw from this friday's rigged election , who happens to be for them in the wrong place at the wrong time .
I hope I'm not being too naive in saying forget  Afghanistan and Iraq , let the U.S troops deal with their leaders ill thought out catastrophe's - Send British troops into the former british colony Zimbabwe to permanantly rid it of Mugabe - even if he does have to quietly live out the rest of his life in luxury in South Africa - And to help to install a stable , democratically elected government there before withdrawing .
One Million percent Inflation , a life expectancy of 37 , murder , torture , rape , corruption . . .
So what's holding our government back from sending troops there : A terror of being accused of colonialism , and therefore also racism , of course .
And there's no chance of british troops withdrawing from Iraq or Afghanistan because we rely on NATO for protection in the event of disaster , and it sounded as if Bush's lot had written Brown's speech , during their recent joint press conference .

Is'nt that a lovely track , Simple Mind's Mandela day , that I posted here earlier .
I recall , during the eighties , hearing that drunken young conservative conference delegates had sung 'Hang Nelson Mandela' .
Presumably because he was once some sort of terrorist .
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So why  is it that still we hear so much more about Hitler , Nazi's and extermination of Jews than about surely equally horrendous attrocities committed under Stalin , Mao , and others ?
I can only imagine because , ( a ) : The Nazi's uniquely , at least in modern times , tried to exterminate an entire race , and ,
( b ) because  orthodoxical  members of the jewish race are a proud people , many of whom  have wealth , influence and power , and are determined to keep nazi atrocities against them in the public consciousness , in the hope of that preventing such a thing from happening again -  at least  to themselves , and ( c )
Because there's just something uniquely fascinating about the nazi's , and that whereas Stalin is perceived as having been just a vile thug , and china under mao is just too distant for most of us  to relate to , Hitler and his fellow Nazi Scumbags somehow seem  more sinisterly fascinating , and , dare I say 'sexy' : I do'nt mean as in 'erotic' , but more as in allegations against Iraq , prior to the most recent invasion , having been 'sexed up' .
Hitler's ranting speeches now seem almost as ridiculous as Charlie Chaplin's brilliant satirical impersonation  , and yet , think Indiana Jones's films :
There is something uniquely fascinating , though not uniquely evil about hitlerian nazism .

( click on play to listen ) .

Thabo Mbeki's lamentably  belated statement re. the horrors taking place in his neighbouring country , Zimbabwe , that Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai should 'negotiate' seems about as useful as a cardboard bicycle .
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I  for the first time  watched the first two hours of 'Schindlers List' , and I'll see the final hour tomorrow .
It's no more or less disturbing than I expected , and it's brilliantly , hauntingly compelling .
Sometimes I wonder why we hear  far much more about the appalling evils of nazi genocide that that of Stalin , Mao or anyone else : I have ideas which I'll not go into now  .
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A good piece by Janice Turner in yesterday's 'Times about the British reluctance to adequately educate , inform and advise  youngsters about  the practicalities of sexual matters , pointing out that statistically , comparing the approach in various countries , the more comprehensive the sex education , the less under-age sex and pregnancies there is .
And that  in Britain  a third of girls are not told by their parents about periods , who leave all of that to the patchily good or bad standard of sex education in our schools .
And that  despite the biological information given  there , many young teenagers seem woefully ignorant of some basic practicalities , and that girls should be advised re. how to deal with boys saying 'anything' to  get them to consent . 
I'm sure that it's better than it once was , but  in the past  the public shame of pregnancy out of wedlock was the greatest deterrent . Now that's rightly not considered shameful , but too many parents , especially some  'religious' ones seemingly would prefer youngsters to be left 'in the dark' about sex .
Or they just find it all so embarrassing , and hope that schools are doing what they feel that they can't  , and  there's still some , including some Catholics , who have a horror of their children being told anything about sex .
I attended a Rudolf Steiner school , which taught no sex education whatever , and I recall a new teacher once saying " I could talk to you about sex , but I'm not allowed to " .
At least there were no pregnancies there that I knew of .
I recall my Mum once telling me that women have a hole , and that if a man puts his penis into it she'll have a baby .
For a few months I had a few interestingly 'innocent' encounters with a girl , then I came into possesion of dozens of 'mens magazines' , that she and her siblings had found on Kings Langley Common .
I was undoubtedly too young for a sexual relationship then , and as I grew older I had chances squandered in the name of shyness .
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I'm £71.50 up after Royal Ascot - Could've been much more if I'd staked more on my most confident selections .
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Borrowed from SeasideMan : Automatic Writing : Go On : I dare you : Type something here that's completely spontaneously unpremeditated , without hesitation , then post it , unedited , even of typing / spelling errors . .

- Yes , well , you know you can do so much better than that !

Warm and sunny today with a strong , but warm wind , which is nice .
My cat's beem miaouwing outside a bit I think 'cause he's a little overawed by the wind .
I know I'm stating the obvious but it never ceases to amaze me how cats are so brilliantly  accomplished at the cute , purry , furry adorable baby act , as well as being highly accomplished psycopathic killers , of wild creatures smaller and weaker than themselves , or mine is anyway .

Most 'heroes' appear to have 'feet of clay' if you  look , and think hard enough , but I'm very prepared to believe that Mandela is indeed a  very special person and I look forward to attending the event on friday , though I'm still a bit confused about what time it's meant to start , or finish .

So Naomi Campbell apparently seeks to excuse her yobbish , arrogant , violent behaviour by dredging up that someone once  called her a 'golliwog' .
Her most  recent  hooliganistic  episode occured after a  British Airways pilot took the trouble to personally apologise to her re. a couple of her bags having gone missing  during the worst of the heathrow terminal 5 chaos .
If she really is claiming that during the incident a BA staff member called her that then that's obviously disgraceful if true but it's very , very hard to believe .
She's become immensely wealthy through commoditising  her supposed exceptional beauty and her nice skin , then when she knows she's 100% gulity as charged , by no means for the first time  , she feebly tries to excuse herself by citing the colour of her skin .
I do'nt really care , it's quite entertaining really . . .
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With one day  left of it  I'm in profit from bets on  Royal Ascot races , though I'm being  cautious as I've not fully got my betting confidence back following  four consecutive losing bets earlier this year .
I'll only have a bet tomorrow if I feel confident enough , otherwise I'll withdraw what I left in my 'blue square' account .
It's good to read and listen to the views of experts , but also to watch betting market-moves , and to listen to ones own judgement and intuition .
The confidence , to trust all of that , that comes from a winning-streak is helpful , so long as managing to avoid over-confidence ,  or  reckless stupidity .
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In lowestoft on thursday afternoon I resisted mild temptations  to buy things I do'nt  really want or need , or to place a bet , and I gave a few pounds to a likeable homeless young man : I asked him if he has a drug habit , he said no but that he'd had a few beers that morning , and I believed him .
After J left me I felt so desperately alone and vulnerable that given the chance I'd have probably welcomed almost any female , or even likeable , non-threatening  young male homeless person into my flat .
And I let a young lady , almost certainly a drug addict , con me into giving her altogether about £70 ; All I realistically hoped for , apart from being able to 'help' a 'damsel in distress' was some friendship and companionship ; All I got was a half-hearted hug .

From his 2007 album 'memory almost full' , ( c ) MPL Communications Ltd , as generously given away free with the 'Mail on Sunday last month , this is 'Only Mama Knows' , which is by far the most interesting , intense , and the least bland track on it .

I bought her 2007 album 'This Is The Life' as part of play.com's '2 for £10' offer .
She's a young Scottish singer/songwriter/guitarist ; I love the album , ( c ) Melodramatic Records Ltd/Mercury Records Ltd/Universal .
This is what , from the title , I thought would be my least favourite track but actually it's probably my favourite , Footballers Wife :
(click on play to listen)
Oh , Mr James Dean , he do'nt belong to anything/Oh he left before they could get him/With their ways , their wicked ways/Oh Marilyn Monroe, where did you go ?/I did'nt hear all your stories/I did'nt see all your glory
But the Footballers wife tells her troubles and strife/I just do'nt care in the end/Who is she to pretend/That she's one of them/I do'nt think so/And the girl from that show/Yes the one we all know/She thinks she's some kinda star/Yes you know who you are/I do'nt think so , I do'nt think so
Oh Ginger Rogers , Fred Astaire/Won't you dance for me cos I just do'nt care/What's going on today/I think there's something more , something more/And I'm gone with the wind like they were before/But I'm believing myself I think there's something more/There must be something more/I think there's something more , something more
Oh I do'nt believe in the telling of your stories/Throughout your life , there's just something unappealing it do'nt catch my eye/It do'nt catch my eye/Oh I do'nt believe in the selling of your glories before you leave this life/There's so much more to see/I do'nt believe this is how the world should be

My adorable cat is delighting in a midsummer-mayhem  killing-spree of baby birds and mice .
He's growing wilder by the day and seems to now be eating his prey , as evidenced by feathers and a tiny pair of birds feet in the hall this morning .
He breifly comes in about four times a day to say hello and to see if his cat food meets his approval .
But I think he knows where he's loved and 'well off' , and I do'nt think he'll abandon us entirely for the  the 'wild side of life' ( if anyones wondering , yes he was 'neutered' ) .
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I'm a bit less anxious though the anxiety has'nt entirely dissipated yet .  
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So two scientific studies in the U.S have concluded that , as most of us know , most women are most attracted to men who display ( a ) self-obsessive narcissism , ( b ) callous , impulsive , thrill-seeking psycopathy and ( c ) a deceitful and exploitative nature .
Apparently they are genetically programmed to perceive such men as 'masculine' , and therefore a good choice of person to mate with .
But most eventually , reluctantly settle down with a boringly safe and nice-natured kind of guy .
I can maybe sort of reluctantly understand that  in the sense that I can acknowledge the possible sexual attractiveness of a 'bitch' , but would'nt choose to 'settle down' with one .
Maybe most women , and quite a few men have a propensity to be turned on sexually by someone who seems to have a callous , ruthless , exploitative streak .
Why I'm not sure . I can also see the attraction of  femininely 'submissive' women .
But basically requiring  a  close , and lovingly probably  'equal' relationship  .

According to an article in today's 'Mail : " Every year between 10 and 20 british teenagers take their own lives as a result of bullying . . experts estimate that cyber-bullying accounts for a third of all bullying . . . 
Colin McKeown , managing director of e-safe education . . . ( says ) 
" Any normal thoughts of how we perceive the bully have changed . These are bright , middle-class children who are ruthlessly picking on others , as well as working-class youngsters , and it escalates very quickly " . . 

We're talking about one or more bullies systematically , cruelly attacking their chosen victim / classmate through vicious, anonymous instant-messages , emails or text messages , sometimes posing as a ficticious character and initially befriending their target before 'turning on' them , and sometimes setting up hoax profiles in the name of their victim on sites such as myspace , bebo ,  or  facebook , often trying  to incite others to 'cyber-attack' their chosen target .
Which can range from mischeviously cheeky to concertedly , cuttingly , cruelly insulting  to ' go kill yourself ' , and/or 'we're going to get you at school tomorrow' . 
Like traditional school-bullies the cyber-bullies chosen victims are usually a bit noticeably sensitive , and/or just 'different' in some way .
I do'nt think , and have never thought that all or most teens are either hoodie-wearing hooligans , or  bullies .
But why do a significant minority delight in tormenting their chosen victims ?
Is it  pure sadism  , or because they've learnt  to bully by having been bullied , or that they are so desparate to be  and to be perceived as 'normal' that they subconsciously seek to externalise their horror  of their insecurities about themselves onto others ?
Or a combination of all or any of those factors and/or more ?
It also seems that most cyber-bullies 'get away with it' , without any sanctions being applied to them .

I read in today's 'Radio Times of a scene in a former episode of Eastenders in which a woman chained up another woman , who was pregnant , and threatened to carry out a DIY caesarean section , to steal her unborn baby . . .
What Obscene Vile Filth BBC1 keep serving up at 8pm . I've watched loads of films featuring disturbing scenes but 'Enders is avidly watched by a lot of children . I've stated my views on it here before .
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I  generally do'nt worry about things anywhere near as much as I once did , and I know that us humans can if we have to learn to adjust to more than we think we can , and that ways can be found to solve or alleviate most problems but today at last my anxiety has started to get the better of me , following something as mundane as an unanswered 'phone call , number withheld , no message left , this morning .
There may well be nothing in the near future at least for me to worry about at all .
Last night I had a ghastly dream about Ex-Partner and I being together and absolutely hating each other .
I watched last nights programme about Simon Rattle and the Berlin Philharmonic touring the far-east .
How cool , how demanding and rewarding it must be to be part of something so talentedly , professionally special .
I could work with animals in some way .
But , but , I do'nt drive and maybe I really am just so damn sleepily unstably unemployable .
I'd like to be some sort of writer , but with so little experience of life worth writing about  . . .
Goodnight , until tomorrow . . .

From 22 years ago , Sigue Sigue Sputnik : Love Missile F1 11 ,
( c ) EMI

I did'nt know whether to mention this here , but because there are medical issues re. my not working I had to attend an appointment today at one of the 'atos health care' centre's .
Atos are a private company with a multi-billion contract from the UK government , to declare most officially incapacitated claimants as healthy .
And as I've said here  I do'nt doubt  that there are  fraudulant claims , though where is the evidence that , as our brownite labour government maintains , at least 1M of the 2 . 4M are fraudulent  liars ?
There have always been medical assessments for all types of incapacity/disability benefits .
So a few fraudsters have managed to fall outside of the net by cunningly masquerading as incapable whilst leading full , active , healthy lives .
So now nearly all claimants are assumed 'guilty unless proven innocent' by greedy toytown 'doctors' chasing bonuses for declaring most of those 'on the sick list' as fraudulent liars .
The 'doctor' who assessed me today said that I probably should'nt have too much to worry about . For nearly all the time that I was talking to him he was staring at the chest of the lady who accompanied me to the appt .
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After returning home I watched a bit of 'royal ascot' on bbc2 ; I can't bear that snooty ostentaciously gay bloke who comments of the racegoers fashion-sense .
I do'nt care who's blatently  or otherwise gay but I do care if someone who can afford to dress elegantly snobbily  'looks down on' those who can't - Especially if their 'elegance' is payed for by bbc tv licence payers !
To those who may now seek to brand  me as  'homophobic' may I say that as I understand it a phobia is a disabling , extreme , irrational terror , and to contemptuously dismiss anyone who may have reservations about gay 'weddings' or gay adoptive parents , or who may dare to criticise any member of the 'gay community' in any way as being 'phobic' is puerile indeeed !