Have you ever been utterly convinced of the truth of something , which you've later had to concede either was'nt true , or may not have been ?
I know I have   ;
Perhaps partly because during my life some people have misunderstood , or otherwise disliked me and reacted accordingly ,  and that  I'm  in some ways insecure , and generally quite unfulfilled , and because I do'nt want to be foolishly unaware I do on occasions put ' 2 + 2 + 2 ' together and draw conclusions which may well at least sometimes  be 'spot on' , entirely correct , but  it's easy to fall into the trap of , because something seems extremely  plausible , and similar things might have happened before , because it so completely makes sense , and seems to have the 'ring of truth' written all over it , that it must be true , and then  to hold that in ones  mind for so long that  it  'becomes' the  ' truth ' , when , in reality , it may never have been true at all !
I can think of instances in my life , I mean , 'real'  life , not regarding internet friends  , when that has applied , and I've heard from my Mum about my (late) Dad having for many , many years felt certain of something , which eventually he mentioned to her ,  which she could confirm was never the case .
I have quite an analytical mind , I may even have made a good detective , though we know of past cases of investigative detectives having become convinced of someones guilt , to eventually have to concede that they got it wrong .
And the moral of this ?
Oh , I suppose , to listen to your common-sense and your instincts , but , without definite proof of something , to always retain the humility to accept that you could be wrong . ( Which I'm reminding myself of .)

I just watched the 'what really happened . . . ' programme about Michael Barrymore , and the death of Stuart Lubbock , at his house a few  years ago .
It's most  doubtful that any of us will ever know precisely what happened , though I can't believe that Barrymore and  his male friends who were at his impromptu party do'nt know , and how sickeningly proposterous  that they now allege that Stuart Lubbock's anal injuries were inflicted post mortem at the mortuary .
I recall reading some  extraordinairy  extracts from MB's ex-wife , Cheryl's book , for example about Princess Diana , for a while , regularly turning up at their home to , lounging on their sofa , be alone with him to discuss her problems , and his jumping over the barrier to be with " my people , my people " before her funeral .
And his , at a restaurant with friends , having sung a song consisting of one word , beginning with c , repeated again and again .
From what I've heard and seen his 'manic'  live act could be either uproariously funny or excruciatingly  embarrassing .
MB is or was a talented entertainer  , but  unlike Matthew Kelly , whose television career was largely ruined by unsubstantiated , dropped allegations of 'historical' abuse , it seems entirely fitting that Barrymore is unlikely to be returning to his televisual career , following the  notorious  case of the body in his swimming pool  which , though there may be no proof of 'foul play' , has never been satisfactorily explained , and remains extremely , murkily suspicious .
People known as 'characters' can get away with a lot , but there has to be a limit .
I suspect that the reporter who presented tonights programme , and who concluded that Barrymore should be exonerated of any blame , is probably himself gay .

BBC Radio5live has a new Controller , and judging by from eight this morning there seems to be even more emphasis on prattling on and on about football , as they were nearly all the time from 8 - 9 , and then , guess what , Victoria's phone-in from nine , which will no doubt drag on until at least 10.37 is on the same subject .
Whatever happened to real news , views and interviews about real issues . . Much of the ethos of 5live has always been 'if you're not a football nut , what's wrong with you , go away' and yet they also used to feature a lot of real news .
There's a national commercial football talk station , for those whose whole lives revolve around their great love of the game .
5live has a digital 'sports extra' station , no 'news extra' , and yes I know there's always Radio 4 , excellent in its way  though I prefer live radio , and without such blatent 'middle class' overtones .
Whenever I turn on Radio 3 it's always some ghastly singing , and , I turned to Radio 2 this morning , and , I know that Terry Wogan does speak in english , but it might as well be arabic for all the sense I can make out of his weird little monologues : A man with a parallel universe all to himself .

Another U2 track that meant a lot to me three years ago , from 'all that you can't leave behind ' , 2000 , ( c ) Universal / Island Records .
(click twice on play to hear) .

Last night I watched 'Final Destination 3' , which I bought yesterday for £2 in woolworths : Superbly ingeniously suspenseful , and every bit as good as the first one .
That must be about 4 years old I think and a fine  picture quality on the disc , not so on the 2007 'final cut' of Blade Runner which I tried to sit through  the other day ;
When dvd's were new I definitely noticed a deterioration in the picture quality of some films being released on videotape , as if that was a deliberate ploy by the film studio's  to nudge us towards upgrading to dvd's , and I just wonder if some of them are now reducing the picture quality on standard dvd's to prod us into upgrading to hd-blu-ray players and discs - particularly since inside that 2007 blade runner edition dvd case was a leaflet about the wonders of HD discs .
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Re. yesterday's 'petrol set to hit £5 a gallon' headlines , I'm old enough to remember the shock-horror about petrol reaching 50p a gallon !
Throughout the 70's my Mum and Dad and I lived in Kings Langley , hertfordshire , and I still dream of being back there .
And of my leaving loads of stuff behind at various places , as I had to when I moved from my flat in Norwich to here .
I fairly regularly become plagued by depression , exasperation , hopelessness etc . , though usually soon enough settle back into a limited contentedness , and , we're all on a journey with only one ending so we may as well try to count our blessings and make the most of our lives so far as we're able to , although I do fear being alone if I've still not found another girlfriend , partner or wife by the time that my Mum's no longer alive ( she is well ) , assuming I'm still around then .
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Whilst looking up something else in the dictionairy I stumbled across :
' only pretty Fanny's way ' , meaning 'only what must be expected and accepted of the person' , attributed to T  Parnell , presumably the Parnell who there's a statue of in Dublin ?

Another ludicrous example of moronic , power-intoxicated 'we have zero tolerance' idiocy : A young Mother accidentally dropped a fragment of   a sausage roll she was feeding her daughter some of : Pigeons swooped and stole the crumbs within seconds :
She was approached by two rude , obnoxious council-employed , power-crazed erotomaniacal morons who announced that they were fining her £75 for dropping litter , which she can't afford to pay so she'll have to appear in court .
Those who knowingly , uncaringly despoil our enviroment by dumping their litter in public areas deserve to be fined .
But just because 'zero-tolerance' became a trendy buzzword in the USA ten years ago , UK councils have to recruit stupid little power-hungry pervs who get off on being given carte blanche to carry on as if they think they are Nazi Stormtroopers , 'cracking down' on wicked citizens whose wheelie-bin lids are slightly ajar or who accidentally drop a few crumbs onto  the pavement for hungry pigeons to feast on .
I blame Tony Blair .

I'd always resisted watching the supposed classic movie Blade Runner , because my instinct told me I'd not like it .
But the 'final cut' of it is only £5 , free delivery , on play.com so I bought it : Good 'surround sound' , and undeniably visually impressive ,  really needing to be seen on a cinema screen  , but  ultimately a case of 'style over substance' I thought : a pretencious , pseudo-intellectual film for pretencious , pseudo-intellectual people .
I stuck with it for 1 hour 25 minutes before I'd had enough , but  I'll try to get round to seeing the final half hour sometime .
I can tell that Spielberg's A.I is not uninfluenced by Blade Runner , and I so prefer that film , which as well as being visually impressive makes you care about some of its characters , especially the humanoid synthetic child David , hauntingly played by Haley Joel Osment .
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In todays paper , poor old Amy Winehouse having pub/clubcrawled the night before last with members of Pete Doherty's band . At one point she allegedly tried to punch and head-butt a man in the street . Her Mother in Law is quoted as having said she hopes that incarcerated Blakey will divorce Amy : Of course he'll not divorce his millionaire wife .
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I have some sympathy with the millionaire FIA ( F1 motor racing ) President , and son of the late 'British Fascist' leader Oswald , Max Mosley , being sanctimoniously sneered at for having been 'exposed' in the 'news of the world' , nearly 4 weeks ago as having consensually indulged in S&M antics with prostitutes : That's his private business : He's never preached sexual morality , abstinence or  fidelity to the rest of us : It was outrageous of the NOW to 'set him up' like that , to sell their vile , trashy garbage paper by exposing a private , consensual , adult gathering .
In fact , I have no idea how nice or otherwise an individual he is personally but I  respect  his refusing to act as if he has anything to feel ashamed of re. that incident , his calling for stricter privacy laws , and his having stated that if the majority of FIA members want him to resign he will , and that , if  caught driving over the speed limit - which would bear  some relevance to his public role - he would  resign .
What a loathesomely peurile  and sanctimonious  attack on Max Mosley , founded on the nonsense  of 'if he was a politician ' , by Stephen Glover in todays 'Mail , who deplores Mosley's not having shamefacedly slithered away in the face of the NOW's despicable set-up  .
Why should he ? Under the same circumstances , I would'nt , he's not transgressed any laws , and the scummy NOW should not have been legally allowed to do that to him .
I wish him luck in his legal case against that paper .
If he's awarded compensation I hope  he'll see fit to redistribute it amongst good causes .

What a silly man is the teacher at a Kent Rudolf Steiner School who lit a cigarette during a lesson he was giving to 12 year olds ,  and offered  it to them to try  , supposedly to  deter them from smoking . . .
What next , teachers passing round 2 litre bottles of cider to discourage their pupils from drinking , teaching them to play poker to discourage gambling , or screening porn movies in the classroom to deter them from under-age sex ?

taken this morning ( feel free to click on it once then again then download it for your desktop wallpaper if you so wish ! ) .

I know that some users of this site do'nt trust the 'stats' ; I like to think that they're quite reliable and , over 50,000 pageviews over 13 months is very okay so far as I'm concerned .
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I watched the programme about Heather Mills ; Is or was she really all that beautiful ?
Most young-ish women are nice looking , as is she , but , put an average quality painting in an elegant frame and many will succumb to perceiving it  as being of better quality  than it really is .
She does seem to have a magnetic charm for some , and to be somewhat disturbed , possibly suggesting that she may  have been 'abused' at some point in her younger life , though at least some of her accounts of that are demonstrably untrue , as are many other of her claims about herself .
But as I've said before I'll not 'scapegoat' anyone - Unless they really are inexcusably evil , which she is'nt .
Although from what I know of her I'd be wary of becoming in any way involved with her .
This afternoon , having spent 10 - 15 minutes browsing round Well's Classical + Jazz cd shop , in Southwold , who also sell some dvd's , books etc. -  and it seems intended  to be relaxedly browseworthy -  I was about to buy a cd when I heard one of the two men working there saying : "I'm wary of him ... " , and something about me having spent too long looking round there or something - and I was the only person in there apart from them - so I left , and I will never set foot in that grotty little place again , and . . . why he apparently thought me to be someone to be 'wary of' - presumably in terms of 'shoplifting' - I do'nt know ; I'm ordinairy looking , presentable etc . . . I'd not been in there for months and I was browsing there which I thought that anyone considering purchasing from them is welcome to .
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I've still predicting Hillary to win the democratic nomination .

Last Summer two council 'bin police' , wearing stab-proof vests and armed with camera's were confronted with the shocking discovery that , as the bins are emptied only every two weeks , 26 year old bus driver Gareth Corkhill and his family had reprehensibly put too much rubbish in their black wheelie bin , so that its lid was slightly ajar .
They were ordered to pay a £110 'on the spot' fine , which they declined to . Last week Mr .Corkhill was found guilty by magistrates and ordered to pay a £210 fine , plus £15 to help 'victims of violence' , which totals about a weeks wages for him . If he refuses to pay he's likely to be sent to prison , and he now carries  the stigma of having a criminal record .
In the 12 months to last April 44,000 householders  were fined for overfilling their bins , putting their bins out to be emptied on the wrong days , or leaving extra bags of rubbish alonside their bins .
"We will continue to crack down on the problem of overflowing bins" , said a council spokesman .
Oh to be a council bin-inspector , oh the pride , the joy , the  power . .  ' Oh my Gawd ,  Look what we've got here , Look ! -  the bastard's put a plasic bottle in the wrong bin !  I mean , what sort of an animal would do a thing like that ! I'd love to spend a few minutes in a locked room with him , I'd  teach 'im a lesson  . . .  '

In yesterdays Guardian magazine a piece by Jon Ronson , about his having attended a UFO/alien abduction seminar in Nevada with the now heavily bearded Robbie Williams , wittily titled 'I'm Loving Aliens instead' .
RW , now reclusively living in Los Angeles has recently developed a fascination with known apparent evidence of 'alien'/UFO sightings and close encounters , which he buys dvd's about , and he's spent many hours on sites such as abovetopsecret.com
So Jon Ronson joined Robbie , his girlfriend Ayda and friend Brandon on a private plane bound for Laughlin , Nevada .
A British lady called Ann Andrews , author of ' My Indigo Child : Raising a Multidimensional Star Child in a Changing World ' about her Son Jason apparently having been beamed  into alien crafts many times since he was a toddler was addressing the audience of around 500 .
Some fuzzy , blurry photo's allegedly taken by Ann of spacecraft  hovering above their home were shown .
Robbie met Ann , who told him  that Jason lost all his schoolfriends after her book was published : " They ridicule him . They call out things from across the road like 'Oi , Mental Boy!' " .
I read a couple of UFO books about 10 years ago , and attended a long lecture on that subject given by the Canadian investigator  Stanton Friedman .
Most of the occasional tv programmes about that  go on about the same 2 or 3 cases , that anyone with any interest in such things already knows about , though I also once saw an  interesting one about an alleged alien visitation and consequent 'cover up' in a small Brazillian town .
I find it hard to believe either that all the reported sightings/encounters are true or that none of them are , and of course some  sightings may have been of 'above top secret' terrestrial military craft .
Certainly there are some very intelligent and plausible ufo investigators who very sincerely believe that there has been contact between creatures 'not of our world' and governments , who will probably never tell us that .
And there's indisputable evidence of orchestrated 'plausible denial' cover-ups .
Of what ? -  Of unimaginedly highly technologically sophisticated intelligent creatures inhabiting unknown planets in other universes billions of light years away who somehow sometimes visit us , or that they are time-travellers from our future , or something altogether more spiritual ?
I'm not sure about Ann Andrew's multidimensional indigo star child , but I  believe the person who told me last year about having witnessed a craft breifly hovering above his garden , with humanoid creatures  inside looking at him when he was a child , and the testimonies of  other eminently sane people who have related their experiences of such things , without seeking money or dubious fame , and indeed anyone who speaks of having experienced such sightings and/or contact risks ridicule and being assumed  to be insanely delusional , and/or a 'sad' attention-seeker , which I do'nt doubt that some probably  are .
I've never had or claimed to have had any similar experiences , although I was labelled 'mental martin' when at 'junior school' , just for being noticeably different in some way .

An interesting piece in today's 'Mail by journalist Tanya Gold , 34 , who spent a day out and about in London prosthetically made up to resemble a 90 year old woman .
She found people to be patronising , oblivious , rude or amused when she tried to provoke reactions such as by going into an hmv store and asking to be shown 'whatever music is at the top of the charts now' .
Nothing  wrong with that but , you have to admit , that would be most unusual and unexpected , though the sales assistant should not have laughed at her .
The only person who approached her was a homeless man asking for money .
She says that " perhaps the cruellest thing is the feeling of sexlessness " .
But do 90 year olds really want to be considered sexy ? -
Having never been 90 I can't say .
She tried speaking to men , waggling her stick and saying " What a handsome young man you are , son " . They appeared  horrified .
I think I'd just laugh .
Her concluding thoughts are :
" When the Londoners see my face , they see their future . One day they   will be ancient and hobbling and dependent . I am an ugly advertisement for their own mortality , and they hate it .
Just as we instinctively care for young children , we instinctively recoil from the old , who are no longer important to the survival of our species .
The way we treat the very old , it seems to me . . is a process of disengagement .. of letting them walk outside the tent to die .
Once you have dehumanised a person , you can just let them die . And I think I am just as gulity as all the people who have treated me with such disdain as an old woman . . . "
Is it generally as bad as that ?
Are most of us really so coldhearted that we'd rather that ' the old ' just died , or otherwise stayed at home , not showing their faces ?
I think that some of the reactions to her 90 year old character were more out of embarrassment and surprise , and being unused to dealing with an elderly person in such scenario's .
Some people are just rude , uncommunicative ,  uncaring to most , or all who  they encounter .
But yes , it generally does seem to come more naturally to  feel loving , protecting , nurturing towards a child than to a frail elderly person .
And we  tend to , unconsciously , mentally file our fellow humans into boxes , and feel uncomfortable when their behaviour  contradicts what we expect of them .
She also said : " The distaste and detachment are'nt personal . How can it be when it is universal ? It's simply genetic . . . "
But is it universal ?
Elderly people are generally much more loved and revered , and cared for by their families in certain other countries than they are here .
Some elderly folk may appreciate being called 'dear' and suchlike , others may find it  patronising .
Some  women will appreciate men offering them their seats on public transport , others will find it insulting .
There are important issues around the welfare of our elderly population , but categorising ' the elderly ' as a homogenous group is unhelpful because , some have plenty of  money , some struggle to pay their bills , some have good health , some do'nt , some see a lot of their family , some do'nt , some have a circle of friends , etc . . .
And it's not unknown for some of  our elder citizens to themselves be selfish and rude .
In the end , everyone who we encounter , unless there's some obvious reason otherwise deserves our trying  our best  under the circumstances to  treat them with  courtesy and consideration whether we like the look of them or not  ,  and some of us should try harder but  , none of us are perfect and , so long as we mean well . . .

Just watched the programme about the evidence or lack of it re. the case against those accused , not charged with the  murder of Meredith Kercher in Perugia , Italy , last December .
Which raised doubts but did'nt seem to present any really compelling evidence for or against their guilt , or if it did , I missed it through tiredness : It's  much easier to stay awake when interactively  'on the computer' ,  rather than passively watching  tv  .
It does seem extraordinairy that many people are still obsessively researching the 'jack the ripper' murders , in the east end of London , 120 years ago .
There seem to be at least  half a dozen or so known ,  plausible suspects , even including men who at some point apparently admitted to the murders .
I'm not including James Maybrick , who's 'diary' has never been properly authenticated , or the 'royal conspiracy' theory which has virtually no evidence to support it , and as for the painter Walter Sickert , okay he just , possibly  could have been involved although there's precious little convincing evidence of that .
The chances of conclusive evidence of who the culprit was turning up now seem remote in the extreme , and , who's  to say that the culprit  may never have been , and never be named as a suspect  ?
But the pseudo-science of 'ripperology' continues  , and , I'm sure that , all the known theories will be endlessly re-examined , and ,  possibly , one or two not entirely implausible new ones formulated , for centuries to come .
I once posted a 'spoof' Jack the Ripper theory on a previous 'blog , involving Oscar Wilde , 'Bosie' , Queen Victoria , Walter Sickert , the 'Masons , etc . . .
The life story I recently read of possible 'ripper' suspect James Kelly , who escaped from Broadmoor soon before the killings began is  fascinating , regardless of whether he was the world's first known serial killer , which I somehow doubt .
The differences and similarities between  Victorian and contemporary Britain fascinate me , as do enduring mysteries .

A most curious dream I had last night , that I mysteriously woke up in bed with the Duchess of Cornwall , Camilla , who offered to perform a certain act on me to which I declined  ,  whilst Prince Charles was cycling on an exercise-bike and gazing through the window at his garden  ; How peculiar . .

He also said that of course as we all know his President is a deeply religious person : Oh yes , obviously !

How I despair of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith , whose latest piece of wishy-washy gimmicky nonsense is some vague notion of recruiting 300  police officers to try to dissuade Islamic young men from being converted to terrorism .
" Excuse me young man , are you by any chance being radicalised ? "
That just might do some good if all of those police officers are Muslims , though surely a simpler and more intelligent approach would be to lock up  or deport anyone who there's irrefutable documented evidence of their unequivocally having tried to incite others to hate and murder .
But 'oh no you can't do that , that's racist' , so we have to stand idly by while a small but significant minority systematically  set about  trying to  instigate indiscriminate mass murder - seeking to justify that by citing U.S and UK 'foreign policy' , although many people deplore that without wanting to kill civilians .
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I almost bought a ticket for latitude last night , but for some reason  did'nt feel right about it so I did'nt , and , I've realised , I'd been confusing Franz Ferdinand with the Kaiser Chiefs !
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I chucked out all of my cheap woolworths 'worth it' dvd-r discs , for use with my dvd recorder , because the machine rejects most of them as unusable , so definitely not 'worth it' .
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tip : If , on this site , something you click on takes ages to appear , click the refresh button , at the top of the page on your browser .

I discovered this album which I'd completely forgotten having bought several years ago , I think I bought it very cheaply without a case or cover , then I tucked it in with another 'Jazz-ish' album ;
It's 'Music Inside' by Joyce , who I think is Brazilian , (c) verve/polydor 1990 , and this is track 1 'Essential' .
Really nice relaxing music , perfect for hot summer evenings . (click twice on play to listen.)

I watched the C5 programme 'extraordinairy people - half man half tree ' , the notion of which reminded  of  disturbing scenes  in the Titus Andronicus film , in which  lovely Helena Bonham Carter replaced her severed hands with  branches .
It was about an otherwise good looking man , 36 year old Dede , in Indonesia who has virulent growths of  warts on his face , and  huge tree-like growths of them obscuring his hands and feet .
The only way he can earn money is by being part of a travelling 'freak show' , amongst other indonesians cursed with facial and other deformities .
Surprisingly  he had'nt taken up the offer of free treatment for his condition at a U.S hospital , maybe because the only way he can financially support his family is by remaining in the ' freak show ' .
In Victorian London the only way for the original ' elephant man ' John Merrick to survive was by being exploited in ' freak - shows ' , until he was discovered by an altruistic doctor .
When I read , yesterday , of drunken racegoers having jeered a dying horse in this years Grand National I thought  that would'nt have seemed so out of place in Victorian times , and then that , sadly , neither does it now .
Perhaps partly due to  experiences in  my younger days of being quite badly afflicted with acne I empathise with people having to live with facial or other disfigurements .

It's another of those weekday evenings when , on tv , there's various possibilities all at 9pm - Which probably means that none of them are worth watching !
As for the bbc2 'addictions' one , that may be interesting , but how can you compare someone who self-indulgently claims to be addicted to sex or to chocolate to a 'full-blown' alcoholic , or crack / heroin addict ?

I still want to get a ticket for the friday of the Latitude festival in July , featuring Franz Ferdinand so they may sell out fast , but being a non-driver and friendless I can't get there without a humid 5 mile walk both ways : There'll be 'shuttle buses' there from Halesworth but apparently not from Southwold .
Apart from FF I've heard of none of the other bands , such as 'Death Cab For Cutie' , Elbow , The Breeder's , Grinderman and Seasick Steve , though I might  vaguely have heard of Interpol .
The 'day tickets' are £69.50 ( inc . booking fee ) , whereas the tickets for much better line-ups for the gigs in Hyde Park this Summer are £47.50 ( inc.  booking fee ) .
So the self-styled 'Aussie Earl' of Henham must be on to a 'nice little earner'  !

How  lamentable  that 'new labour' chooses to be  so completely , irredeemably subsumed by the 'politically correct' culture of its creation .
Again and again they talk tough then  act supinely regarding anything to do with immigrants  .
Tony Blair's populist  , and blatantly  sensible had he meant it , promise  after the 7/7 attacks to deport any terrorist suspects was a lie .
Of course I'm not advocating any 'witch hunt' but , no matter how much irrefutable evidence there is against any man of north african or middle-eastern origin in the UK having been planning terror-attacks here and/or elsewhere , and systematically recruiting , radicalising and inciting young men to hate and to harm this country , they will never be returned to their country of origin because 'they might be tortured' .
In that case why not ban all UK citizens from travelling to any of dozens of countries where , if they find themselves in trouble with the authorities for any reason ,  they 'might be tortured' .
And such is our government's abhorrence of torture that they have allowed U.S flights taking suspects to be tortured in Egypt or elsewhere to land and refuel here , and they maintain their 'special relationship' with the U.S despite that country's avowed use of torture on their soil , waterboarding , not to mention Guantanamo Bay , and their 'rendition' flights .
Not forgetting 'new labour's'  burgeoning 'special relationship' with China , which  tortures and executes  many thousands of its citizens every year .
Our  Government  pretend that they want to act common-sensically regarding various threats to this country but that they are not allowed to by the courts - who they have instructed how to interpret the human rights act , and E.U legislation .
So many islamofascist extremists ( who , as I've said before  are a small minority amongst muslims as a whole ) are allowed to settle then remain here , that our overstretched security-services have to pool most of their resources into detecting terrorism plots  , to the detriment of their also needing to deal with the very real problem of organised criminal gangs dealing in drugs , and imported 'sex slave' prostitutes , some of which have imported themselves  here from Balkan countries . So we can assume that our government will be afraid of upsetting or stigmatising them .
Which may be partly why Barry George was 'fitted up' regarding his not having shot Jill Dando , if our government knew that a  visitor  from Kosovo had probably  shot her .