I had a visitor yesterday . Nice Chap . Used to come up and see me when I was dj-ing at the catherine wheel . As he knows I'm not gay (and , if I was ever slightly tempted it would not be with males older than myself) , so that's cool .
I bought 5 dvd copies from him for £10 - Last night I watched ' Deja Vu ' (Denzel Washington) - which I do'nt think makes much sense but anything relating to time - travel is so fascinating , I quite enjoyed it .
I finished the book 'The last king of Scotland 'and look forward to seeing the movie soon .
I've felt so uninspired to write much on here lately , though I'm sure that something 'blogable will capture my interest soon .
My Mum's been away but will be back today .

Not knowing what to do this evening I decided to transfer my large chunks of the 2005 Live8 concert
from video to dvd , and , what a difference a two years makes : Coldplay : Rivals to U2 as
greatest live act ( ? ) . . as incomprehensible to me as the Shawshank Redemption being considered the greatest movie ever by some , or as was the massive gamble on monkerhostin
before this years Grand National .
And : Keane : Whoever hears of them anymore , or Dido since her really embarrassing attempt at singing in tune in the Live8 . .
But , Robbie Williams : He was just ' on fire ' - Great Stuff !
*********************8
Last Night on the LibDem PPB , did someone really mention homes having been made safer by installing Nanny Goats ? - Surely Not , though that's what it sounded like to me !

Some moronic cretinous creepy pervy vile american man who reckons that GOD instructed him to manufacture instruments of chastisement of children , parading through the street
displaying vicious looking thick wooden "paddles" , "free to good homes" - Turn your childrens behinds black and blue - Do it for GoD ! ! !
- I'd like to take one from him and religiously bash his head with it !
*******************
Lovely Leo is still , following his vetinary castration , anaesthetic and painkiller earlier , as energetic and lively as ever if not even more so .

Okay So It's St.George's Day , Shakespeare's Birthday , Boris Yeltsins death day . . . And . . . The day that Leo had his neutering(castration) operation - I was led to expect that he'd be very lethargic following the
anaesthetic , but , not a bit of it - Since returning home at 3-40 he's stayed awake and been as lively as ever , which is excellent .
I heard last night that my former School-teacher Norman Davidson has died . He was 74 .
A very inspiring , warmhearted and wise man , who'd led an interesting life .
********************
Some people may disapprove of , and/or find it convenient to scapegoat me , and whatever
I may represent to them .
I would never claim not to have faults .
I dislike snobbery , racism , petty spitefulness and bullying .
I have no time for tedious 'fine wine' , ostentaciously wealthy snobby types , or for the 'I hate the tories'/'my country's enemy is my friend' brigade .
*******************
A few people do , I believe , do hate me , which may have something to do with defects
in my character , and in defects in theirs which lead them to need a convenient scapegoat .
As I said here before I would never pretend to be perfect but am a decent , conscientious , warmhearted , honest person .
I sometimes feel that I hate one or two or three people , in Norfolk , who I've not seen for some time and , God Willing , never will again . And I have very good reasons to feel very justified in that , however , in the end , what's the bloody point in wasting energy and emotion in that way .
I may occasionallty feel vengeful , but , what's the point , I do'nt want to ruin anyones life including my own .
Obviously It would be beneficial to my general state of mind and health if I had a 'partner' and other good friends .
********************
I watched 'House of Sand and Fog' on tv the other night . I rather wish I had'nt . Very well acted by Jennifer Connoly and Ben Kingsley , and , an interesting story until in the last half hour it became so relentlessly , miserably grim and bleak , I just lost sympathy and interest and , not that it was funny but I just could no longer take it seriously .
I do'nt know what happened to my 'Die Hard' 1 - 3 dvd pack : It vanished : I simply do'nt believe that anyone who's been in this house would have stolen it , yet can think of no other explanation having tidied my room and looked everywhere I could possibly think of .
******************
Leo is still wide awake and full of energy ; What an amazing , brilliant cat .

Since I have just 'gone pro' here it has all slowed down a lot and I've had trouble uploading files ~ If this does'nt sort itself out very soon I'll be demanding my
40 euros back !
~ Am trying to concentrate on what good things I have in my life rather than on craving for what seems either close to impossible or just out of reach , and , Oh , 'If Only'
this and that is Not the way to acheive anything is it .

Sir.Robin Janvrin : " Mrs . Middleton , Mam "
Mrs Middleton : "Oh It's such a pleasure to meet you , Queen Elizabeth"
The Queen : " Quite So "
M M : " What a lovely toilet , I mean loo you have here "
H M : " Indeed "
*********************
H M : "Who was that appalling person?"
R J : "The Mother of HRH William's , err , fiance' , Mam"
H M : "Then God Help us all . . There are dark forces in this country who know how to deal
with such people . . Get me Prince Philip"
R J : " At once , Mam "
*********************

I just had a look at my recording of a movie I've not seen starring Kate Winslet , that
was on the other night - She probably bared her shapely bottom in it as she does in most of her films - I saw her in the flesh whilst part of the depressing 'Iris' was being filmed , though regrettably not THAT part of it -
And , in the recording , some irritating man was gesticulating in sign language in
the corner of the screen - So that's gone in the bin .
*********************
Mrs. Whitehouse must have been groaning in her grave at 6-55 this evening because , in some boring film on BBC2 a young woman was breifly shown bare-breasted -
Urrgh , dirty filthy sex and violence , the dear departed MW would have exclaimed (!) .

I think that the 'Kings Head' is going to be changing managership again , So , Might it be a return to Karaoke nights , live music other than Jazz . . . Even . . .Disco's . . . ?
- Of course not . Every time I've walked past there since Graham left it's looked
completely 'dead' , with only a 'handful' of patrons at the most . .
But , Adnams have plenty of money as it is , and , in this town anything attractive to a younger crowd simply is'nt going to happen .
If I was seriously rich I'd love to open a new bar here , but , even if I was on a par with Sir Paul McCartney that simply would'nt be allowed to happen .
Which reminds me : memo to Kate Middleton : Whatever Heather manages to wring out of him
Sir.Paul will still be an extremely wealthy man , so , why not arrange to meet him , and
exude your well-bred , though not quite well-bred enough seductive charms ?
I'm glad that Sir Paul did'nt sue me for my having referred to him in a previous 'blog
as an amputee fetishist .
Talking of all things liverpudlian : There's virtually always one well tipped , fancied and supported horse that has'nt read the script and falls at the 1st fence in the Grand National , and it's usually the one that I've backed . . .
I did have a last minute e/w investment on the 2nd , so did'nt lose much but , Oh , why do I bother with such a 'bookies benefit' unpredictable affair . . . (?)

I went on the trip to Norwich today , my 1st time back there since moving here last November : Did'nt see any of the people who I did'nt want to see and bought new shoes and t-shirt , a framed b/w photo' of New York and the book 'The Last King of Scotland' by
Giles Foden(£3 in hmv) which I started on the coach back and I'l definitely finish it . Also I got
£15 for my Marx Brothers dvd's from a 2nd hand shop , and bought a 3cd dancey compilation for £3 .
I am naturally a loyal , understanding ,affectionate person , though will cut people off altogether if they really 'cross the line' or if the relationship has broken broken down irreparably or if it's never going to work successfully , which it was not so easy for J or I to do when living together . Up 'til the end I still loved and cared about her , though she was secretly plotting to abandon me
in the calculatedly most hurtful way possible : I did on occasions descend to shouting at her in exasperated frustration at her self pitying sullenness , her relentness moroseness
and passive agression , though her actions had a lot to do with her greed for her Stepfather's council house and money . Good Riddance !
In case any readers could'nt cope with it I deleted one sentence of an earlier entry (re.female s**uality)though if anyone objects to what I said in 'What made me like this?'
about my late Father , I love and miss him and it was not said resentfully , I was just trying to understand how various things have affected me .
Because my Dad played the piano a few people saw him as an idealised , 'romantic' figure .
He was a great person in many ways though somewhat complex and troubled , and , no ones perfect , though perhaps some people would think that I am if I played the piano !

Got really chilly again this afternoon though .

" Jesus , Jesus help me , I'm alone in this world , and a f***ed up world it is too "
(Wake Up Dead Man/U2)

I'm okay , could be / have been a lot worse . Will be going to london for 2 nights in 2 months time ( a 3* hotel so maybe no air conditioning ) and will write about that here afterwards .

Ah , T-Shirt weather at last , the 'phoney - summer' before the real one begins , and in
a month or two I'll probably be complaining that it's too hot .

The pic is of Leo watching my favourite British movie 'The Crying Game' (1992) with me , earlier this evening .
I've felt so tired today , and spent much time looking for things that I could'nt find .

I like this 'blog uk w/site , much smaller and more intimate than the big american ones ,
and , with usually as far as I can tell a maximum of about 50 members on line at any time , much easier to share thoughts , greetings , ideas and advice .

Walked a little way along the beach with my Mum this morning :
Really felt hot and it's forecast to get warmer , though the cold breeze will probably come along at around lunchtime , not that I eat lunch .
As is often the case a man was going round the beach with metal detector and headphones : Completely harmless of course though I do'nt see the point because - How many people are negligent enough to lose coins on the beach , especially at this 'low season' time of year ? - And , it must at least occasionally happen but with the highest value of any UK coin being £2 I've never understood why they bother ,
unless they are literally penniless in which case it would surely take hundreds if not thousands of hours just to get back the cost of the m/detector , though not having tried it I do'nt know .

He's aged 5 months and 3 weeks .

After she left me for her stepfather for his council house and his money stashed away
which he pretends not to have so he can get every state benefit going , including free cars and petrol money , I only went round there twice , not angrily , and did not stay long at all .
I've not done this and never will , not least because for all I know he could have died by now but . . . He has (or had) guns in the house , legally owned , and , oh how funny it
would have been if I'd 'phoned her at the psychiatric day centre impersonating her stepdad , saying " er uh uh it's me love , it's dad , I- I've shot Martin love , yeah I sho' him , e - e's dead love , yeah , dead , e' came round 'ere n e were threatening me luv , yer , so - so ar shot 'im love , er , I gotta go now , the police ar on their way "
I've never been at all unpleasant to him to his face , and I often spoke up for him when J was whinging on about him , saying she hated him .
*****************
Oh Ho Ho What can I write about that's POSITIVE then . . . err . . .
*****************
If I were on 'desert island discs' and had to choose 8 pieces of music only to take with me I'd maybe choose :
U2 : Where the streets have no name
Jefferson Starship : Miracles
Uniting Nations : You and Me
Hi Tac : Say Say Say waitin' for you
Bruckner sym 7 / jochum
Bruckner sym 9 , karajan/bpo
Mozart Clarinet Concerto/beecham
and Antonio Carlos Jobim with Elis Regina : Waters of March .
*******************
Oh , the lovely fluffy easter bunny rabbits are cavorting in the fields , angelic children are playing outside , President George Bush is looking after us all and life is
truly wondrously beautiful .

That girl , (who clearly has sadly been through a lot of trauma in her young life)
actually blocked my email address : She asked for friends on here : I sent her a short ,
friendly message , nothing remotely inappropiate at all : She put me on her list of 'friends' - then deleted me from it AND blocked by email , without my having contacted her again . I left 1 message on her 'blog last night saying sorry if I'd somehow managed to offend her though if so I have'nt a clue how .
I was lying in bed this morning , my lovely cat purring on my pillow , the sound of the seagulls outside , then it suddenly dawned on me that after leaving the message last night I got a 'mailer daemon' thing because she'd blocked my email and , Oh , I'll very soon get over this , but why let it bother me at all ?
Clearly I'm no way in the wrong and if somebody wants to be paranoid about me , asssuming silly things with no evidence to then , hey , that's life , that's tough but , so what ;
Well obviously I'll not look at her 'blog again and I suppose I probably better not leave comments in anybodys if they are under 30 .
About 9 years ago Julie had sent out a 'pen-friend' , 'friendship book' thing on my behalf : I got a flirty letter through the post from a teen girl , I replied , telling her my age , saying write to me if you want to , writing nothing salacious or pertaining to ever meeting her then I got a nasty and ridiculous letter from the girls Mother telling me not to write to her daughter - I returned her letter to her and her daughters letter ,saying I never write again to people who do'nt reply and asking her not to write to me again - Then the crazy woman went to the police , and , though clearly no crime had been commited or pertained to in any way a police lady felt that she had to visit me to advise me that 'in todays climate' I should not have replied to the girls letter at all .
And , well , I thought that sending a short , friendly , supportive message to an 18 y.o
who was asking for internet friends and not specifying any age range was innocent enough but clearly not . I'll stick with the over 30's .
And , with so many good things in the world as well as bad , Why do I have to be miserable ?
Shyness , loneliness . . . I'm not looking forward to some people visiting here today because some months ago he emailed me saying I'd be welcome to visit them any time , I replied saying that would be nice and he/they have not been in touch with me since . Maybe it'll be okay .
A girl of about 20-ish who lives in this town and has said hello and smiled at me a couple of times was on the bus with her friend , the only available seat was behind them though I did'nt speak to them at all - I was doing puzzles in the newspaper - Then , on the return journey I sat in one of the few available seats which was in front of them , again , not acknowledging them at all and they both immediately moved to the seat behind
them , so , (a) what was that all about and (b) Why should it bother me at all ?
I'm quite often tempted to say/acknowledge that the future for me seems to consist of little else but more loneliness and pain , but , I do'nt want to somehow make that more likely by saying it so I continue to remind myself that my life is not all bad and that there's every chance , so long as I keep trying in the best ways I can , that big
improvements are looming .
The longer one continues to be 'stuck' , the harder it seems to get 'unstuck' .

I just thought I'd add this pic I took in Lisbon last year ; It was a 'dead-loss' trip though I do rather like that photo' .
I was pleased to have three friends on here but one's disappeared - an 18 y.o who was asking for friends here yesterday .
Maybe she's resigned from this w/site altogether , but , as young as I may feel , and as lovely as they may seem I do feel that I need to be somewhat wary of , and careful not to
convey "wrong" impressions to very young ladies, even if (In 'real-life' I mean)they have
seemed to like me .
And the only dating-ish behaviour I've indulged in since my 'X' left me : Two were alcoholics , one aged 30 and one of 46 , and another , also 30 , suffers from Schizophrenia and drinks a lot , and I guess it's no surprise that my 'relationships' with all 3 of them were very short-lived , and , not that I have any penchant for alcoholic or otherwise unwell women , they were just the only ones I met , in the weeks and months following my abandonement in March '05 .
And I do'nt pester or behave inappropiately at all , I'm shy , conscientious ,and would rather do or say nothing than risk causing any real or imagined problems to anyone or to myself .
I do seem to get on fine with one lady , who's the same age as me I think , and I've given her plenty of my things that since moving here I no longer needed , though I do'nt really think that she's really very 'available' .

Well I know that being PM is no easy job though I definitely think that T/Blair is afraid
of Iran and afraid of offending UK Muslim voters .
This afternoon I watched a recording of the movie 'In The Bedroom' , such a searingly realistic , superbly acted , directed and characterised depiction of of grief , loss ,
pain and anger , which I do'nt think I'll watch again for the forseable future if at all .
But I'd rather watch that than something wholesomely 'light and fluffy' and tame .
And the only books I read are normally fictionalised or true crime .
What is it about human darkness that so fascinates , even me who is prone to depression ?
Is it something to do with a righteous love of justice (hopefully) prevailing in the end ? - Probably .
And in a perverse sort of a way there's perhaps something strangely reassuring about knowing that , whatever ones faults , we are saintly compared to a few seemingly genuinely wicked people .
And , I start yawning in the evenings if I watch anything slow . As escapist entertainment
I did enjoy Casino Royale .
I managed to spill cooking oil over one of my favourite shirts .In fact i think its the one I'm wearing in the photo' of me on this 'blog , which no one seems to like ,and I must get better ones taken .

Having just read my friends beautifully written eulogy to nature in her 'blog ,and , living where I do , with the sea , and lots of lovely walks/
cycle rides to enjoy , I really ought to go out and experience all that so much more than I do , which is rarely .
I suppose I just get tired and think 'what's the point' , and I do get tired of doing most things alone or else with my Mum .(I'm quite friendly with a couple who live near here when I see them .)
So , Why is'nt Tony Blair expressing disgust at the antics of the out of control Italian Riot Police , unprovokedly lashing out at British football supporters , including women ,
disabled people , and people cowering in fear or on the ground injured ?
But , hey , they were British football fans were'nt they , Oh Well then , that's all right then is'nt it ? - I'm glad I'm not a football enthusiast ; I watch some matches on tv every 2 years but have never been to a game and never will .

Some might think my having moved back with my Mum at my age - I was born in 1926 , or 1962
or something - to be a retrograde step , though I'd disagree - I hated being in the flat in Norwich - And , for the forseeable future , if I and my Mum can be be of some use to one another , and we certainly normally get along very well , and are certainly not together all day long or anything like it - that can only be a good thing .
Though when she has friends visiting who are around my age but who only wish to spend time with her , not me , that can feel like , well , like someone(not my Mum) is trying to 'rub it in'. , if you know what I mean .

This might seem like a very 'teenage' thing to say but , I've been , by some people , misunderstood . I mean by some people in 'real life contact' , though it can happen in 'cyber space' too . I'm kind of socially 'shy' , though I have strength as well as vulnerability and I just have , I just have , so much love to give .

So who (in the UK) saw Louis Theroux's programme last night about the Phelps family Baptist congregation in Kansas ?
Entertaining ? , Not really , just jaw-droppingly irritating , and I do'nt know why the official Baptist Church do'nt divorce themselves entirely from those venal vindictive vituperative loons , whose entire 'religion' consists of hatred of male homosexuals , who they label "fags" , and they travel across the USA to demonstrate outside the funerals of US military personnel who have been killed in Iraq , because the USA tolerates 'fags' and because they see Iraq as a primitive country in which male homosexuality is rife .
Also they get their tiny children to parade themselves with banners proclaiming 'God Hates Fags' .
I admire Louis Theroux's sense of fairness in that he pointed out that in their own homes the Phelps family can come over as quite decent and normal , but , outside of there ,he does'nt have to portray them as hateful ignorant extremely peculiar weirdo's as they do that very well themselves .
I have never partaken in sexual acts with other males and I very much doubt that I ever will however I used to live over the road from a 'gay' pub and I have enjoyed the company of male and female homosexual people .