I'm realising more and more how profoundly my Fathers ostentacious displays of self doubt and criticism and inability to cope during my childhood affected me . Not that he was like that all the time , and , when he was , he was depressed , he could'nt help it I suppose .
But the example and message that I most remember getting from him is
: Doubt and dislike and savagely criticise yourself , turn minor challenges or setbacks into major catastrophes , and , get into a big state and make a big show of your professed inability to cope whenever anything goes wrong .
However , he had and maintained a fairly good job , until he retired early due to physical health problems and then pursued a different career .
I myself have not worked much , am and have for a long time been cripplingly socially shy and still have great difficulty in forming the friendships I need , I have a sometimes quite severe stammer which started in my teens and worsened through my 20's , and , though I can sometimes cope very well with some setbacks I often find myself doubting and criticising myself , and sometimes getting into 'states' over quite 'trivial' things .
Other possible reasons for my having turned out like this :
Possible slight brain damage at birth , and , in my early-mid teens I got the stupid idea into my head that it was 'cool' to not seek work or study : " no future , go on the dole " : From the silly juvenile 'punk rock culture' (and , what happened to the peurile little johnny rotten character ? : Moved to the US and became a 'real estate' millionaire) and from a young man 5 yrs my senior who I admired who went through a short phase of espousing the no future/go on the dole crap , then on to university and subsequently to have a good job .
Also I liked and admired a teacher who happened to have a stammer and I do'nt know if I somehow unconsciously 'picked up' my stammer from him .
Also my parents never encouraged me much , though , maybe I was'nt capable of , or mature and strong-willed enough to cope with or apply myself to much .
It must sound like I'm seeking to blame anyone and everyone but myself for my failings : I'm not , I'm just trying to understand . I was with a woman for over 10 years who left me 2 yrs ago . I wrote a lot about that on my 2 , subsequently deleted by me blogspot 'blogs and I do'nt plan to go into that again here .
I'm a nice , decent , clean & presentable & trustworthy person - I long for a relationship with the right woman .