A Close Loving Friendship/Relationship with a loving compatable woman .. Simple as that ..
Male friends , email friends , much older than me friends ... That's all great , though (apart from my Mother and my Cat , who I am fortunate to be living with - I've been living here for 4 months )I can really kind of take or leave all that .
I was with Julie for over 10 yrs and , though it was going nowhere it ended in , for me , the most horrible way . I have so much pain inside me , not just through trauma's I've unfairly suffered ;
Also I have regrets about things I've done or said .
And regarding my Father , who died 27 months ago , having had Alzheimers for at least three years ... Our relationship was such a mess for some time in the past but thankfully I did become much closer to him again . I was very upset after he died , and , a few weeks later , I was suddenly abandoned by my 'partner' , who took our cat with her .
But , But ...
I really Do'nt intend this 'blog to be a 'down memory lane'/
wallowing in misery exercise ; So ; What to write about the here and now - ? - I like a certain lady rather a lot though I should be open to relationships with other women who I have or have not yet met and I know that I will have another close relationship .
I veer between feeling reasonably confident and relaxed and feeling unconfident and depressed .

Also I was bullied at school . Physically and verbally . At two different schools . When I started at the local 'Junior School' I was considered to be sensitive and therefore put in the class below the one that , by age , I otherwise would've been in .
I did'nt even know that and I was doing very well at the school . So well in the middle of a term I was suddenly moved up into the next class , which was when the teasing and bullying began . I had a year of missed schoolwork to attempt to catch up with , and I started
refusing to go to school , and being taught at home by my Mum .
Then I becam a pupil at the local Rudolf Steiner School : Officially there is and never has been any bullying at any Steiner School :
I was bullied a lot there both physically and verbally .
After 2 or 3 years the physical bullying stopped though I was still ridiculed (not re.my stammer as I did'nt have it then) and taunted .
In my mid-teens I was sent off to one boarding school then another - neither worked out .
Then I worked for a few weeks , did nothing for a while , then was a
(voluntary) inpatient at a psychiatric clinic for teenagers for 15 months .

I'm realising more and more how profoundly my Fathers ostentacious displays of self doubt and criticism and inability to cope during my childhood affected me . Not that he was like that all the time , and , when he was , he was depressed , he could'nt help it I suppose .
But the example and message that I most remember getting from him is
: Doubt and dislike and savagely criticise yourself , turn minor challenges or setbacks into major catastrophes , and , get into a big state and make a big show of your professed inability to cope whenever anything goes wrong .
However , he had and maintained a fairly good job , until he retired early due to physical health problems and then pursued a different career .
I myself have not worked much , am and have for a long time been cripplingly socially shy and still have great difficulty in forming the friendships I need , I have a sometimes quite severe stammer which started in my teens and worsened through my 20's , and , though I can sometimes cope very well with some setbacks I often find myself doubting and criticising myself , and sometimes getting into 'states' over quite 'trivial' things .
Other possible reasons for my having turned out like this :
Possible slight brain damage at birth , and , in my early-mid teens I got the stupid idea into my head that it was 'cool' to not seek work or study : " no future , go on the dole " : From the silly juvenile 'punk rock culture' (and , what happened to the peurile little johnny rotten character ? : Moved to the US and became a 'real estate' millionaire) and from a young man 5 yrs my senior who I admired who went through a short phase of espousing the no future/go on the dole crap , then on to university and subsequently to have a good job .
Also I liked and admired a teacher who happened to have a stammer and I do'nt know if I somehow unconsciously 'picked up' my stammer from him .
Also my parents never encouraged me much , though , maybe I was'nt capable of , or mature and strong-willed enough to cope with or apply myself to much .
It must sound like I'm seeking to blame anyone and everyone but myself for my failings : I'm not , I'm just trying to understand . I was with a woman for over 10 years who left me 2 yrs ago . I wrote a lot about that on my 2 , subsequently deleted by me blogspot 'blogs and I do'nt plan to go into that again here .
I'm a nice , decent , clean & presentable & trustworthy person - I long for a relationship with the right woman .

In this so called 'Civilised Country' a lady who had suffered the double tragedy of losing two babies to 'cot death' syndrome was arrested , put on trial for murder , portrayed as a monster , imprisoned for three years , and no doubt reviled as a 'snooty , middle-class' baby killer by other inmates , and ultimately driven to her death by a cold , antagonistic , lying and scapegoating judicial system .
'Professor Sir Roy Meadow' who , at Sally Clark's trial spouted the nonsense that that the odds of having two babies consecutively dying of cot-death syndrome are 73M to 1 should hang his head in shame .**************
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Well here I am , back in blogspace again . 'FWM part 3' Hmmmm

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It was funny , listening to 'Lady Felicity' on Radio Suffolk this morning stun an innocent caller to the programme by twice calling her an "old trollop" - Edgy Comedy - Not what one expects from the normally insipidly 'light and fluffy' rural bbc local output .
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My cat Leo , 5 months old , is SO lovely . . . My Mum is thankfully well too , and I , well , I bought Rhonda Byrne's best-selling 'self-help' book 'The Secret' , which it's easy to 'pick holes in' but to follow the teachings can certainly significantly improve anyones life I reckon , which for some people is easier said than done and I was feeling quite 'down' this morning , but I

am trying .